


A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words, but These Memories are Priceless

by So_Many_Feelings



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Character Death, Character Study, F/M, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-26 02:37:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14990927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/So_Many_Feelings/pseuds/So_Many_Feelings
Summary: Commander Fury has a small present for Steve after he wakes up in the hospital. The only problem is that Steve isn’t sure if it will make it any easier to try to start living again.





	A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words, but These Memories are Priceless

**Author's Note:**

> Everything in italics are quotes directly from the movie

Everything seemed too bright.

 

The doctors and nurses had assured him that it was normal for his eyes to be sensitive to the light, but Steve doubted there was any sort of precedent for how to treat a genetically-modified super soldier who had been frozen alive.

 

The serum hadn’t even allowed him to get drunk when he tried to use alcohol to numb the pain of Bucky’s death, he doubted Dr. Erskine hadn’t had the foresight to make sure that Steve’s vision would remain uncompromised no matter what situation he was in.

 

But even Erskine couldn’t have imagined how much America had changed over the course of seventy years. The fluorescent screens that occupied every street corner, the chaotic orchestra of car horns, people yelling, and music that sounded completely foreign to Steve.

 

Even though he had grown up in Brooklyn, Steve didn’t know if he would ever adjust to the new hectic energy of the city, or if he even wanted to. It was overwhelming, and his enhanced senses made all of the differences that much more noticeable. 

 

Although they also helped him notice someone lurking behind him while he walked to his new apartment. 

 

S.H.I.E.L.D. had conducted a slew of medical exams to help determine the state of his physical and mental health, and after two weeks he had finally been cleared to leave the hospital and relocate to one of the organization’s housing units. Steve was still unsure of whether or not he wanted to join S.H.I.E.L.D., but if Peggy had helped found the organization he figured it couldn’t hurt to give it a chance.

 

Commander Fury, however, did not seem comfortable leaving  _ anything  _ to chance.

 

Steve hadn’t spoken to the man since he’d been informed of the events leading up to his rescue from the Arctic Sea, but he knew that hadn’t stopped Fury from keeping tabs on him. 

 

Which would explain why he knew where Steve was going to be on a random Sunday afternoon.

 

“Good afternoon Commander Fury,” Steve greeted, “what can I help you with?”

 

“Actually, Captain Rogers, it’s a matter of I can help you with.” Seeing the look of confusion on Steve’s face, Fury held out a familiar brown sketchpad.

 

Steve hesitated for a moment, but Fury’s urgent stare made it clear that the gift wasn’t optional. 

 

“Consider it a going away present” he told Steve, but his apologetic smile implied that he knew what was in the sketchpad.

 

“Where did you get this?”

 

“That thing has been in S.H.I.E.L.D. even longer than I have” Fury quipped. “Belonged to some British lady who kept it in her desk when she worked here.”

 

So Peggy had held on to him, at least for a little while. 

 

“Is she still alive?” Steve asked, cautiously. He wasn’t sure if he really wanted the answer to that question. “I know you told me she helped organize S.H.I.E.L.D., but what else? Did she go back to London? Get married? Start a family?”

 

Was she happy?

 

“Miss Carter is still alive and kicking” Fury assured him. “Although she has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Her memory has been slowly deteriorating for the past few years. I can try to get you into the hospital to see her, but there’s no guarantee she’ll recognize you or remember who you are” he said apologetically. “I’m sorry Steve.”

 

Steve waited for the information to sink in, but his new reality still felt too much like some sort of twisted fever-dream. There was no way that the Peggy Carter he remembered had been reduced to a frail old woman trapped in a hospital room.

 

Steve, who could sense that Fury was staring at him, turned to face the other man. “It’s not your fault, Commander Fury. But I would love to see her, if you think you can make that happen.”

 

“I’ll do my best. Right now, however, I should be going. The higher ups at S.H.I.E.L.D. don’t like to be kept waiting. Besides, it looks like you could use some time to yourself.”

 

And with that Steve was left alone with his old sketchbook.

 

* * *

 

The Bucky in the sketches wasn’t the soldier that fought alongside Captain America. Instead, he was the carefree young man who had been the only constant thing in Steve’s life.

 

In Steve’s drawings he could be seen playing baseball, standing on the pier at Coney Island, laughing on the train they took from Brooklyn to get to school.

 

When he was a child it had just been Steve and his mother, living together in a cramped apartment in Brooklyn. His father had died before Steve had been born, and the endless list of ailments that he’d suffered from as a child had made it difficult for him to venture outside for too long.

 

Things weren’t much better once Steve was older, his asthma and heart problems would still act up frequently, but he had made enough progress to start going into the city more often.

 

It was the first week of that newfound freedom when Steve met Bucky.

 

School was finished for the summer, so Steve had spent most of his time at the baseball field near his apartment. He still wasn’t well enough to play with the other boys his age, but he liked to watch the others run around the field, to imagine a time when he would be able to join them. 

 

However, the other boys apparently hadn’t shared Steve’s optimistic outlook.

 

“What are you staring at?” one of the boys on the field asked, his blue eyes flashing mischievously. “I wonder,” he continued, “if Boy Scout over here is too stupid to know how to play.” 

 

He picked up one of the baseballs off of the pitcher’s mound, pausing for a moment. “Maybe we just need to knock some sense into him” he said. Some of the other boys started laughing, which prompted the ringleader to chuck the ball at Steve, who barely managed to dodge it. 

 

“Is that the best you can do?” Steve questioned. “ _ I can do this all day.” _

 

The other boy was obviously bothered by Steve’s refusal to be scared. “You have to catch the ball Boy Scout!” he taunted, signaling for the others to follow his lead.

 

Steve braced himself for the impact, but it never came.

 

“Enough!” one of the boys in the back shouted, shoving his way through the crowd to get to Steve. “We’re done for the day, guys, head home.”

 

The tall brunette boy spoke with the confidence that Steve wished he possessed, and while none of the other boys looked thrilled by his command, nobody argued against him either.

 

While the others cleared out from the field Steve walked over to the boy who had defended him. 

 

“Hey, I just wanted to say thank you, for standing up for me today. You didn’t have to do that.”

 

“No problem. Lucas needs to be taken down a couple of pegs every once in awhile, today you were just his unlucky target. The name’s Bucky, by the way. What about you?”

 

“Steve Rogers.”

“Nice to meet you Steve. Now, I’ve seen you hanging around the field for the past few days, so I have to ask. Why do you just sit and watch? Why don’t you ever join us?”

 

“The doctors say that I can’t, at least not right now. My heart starts to act up if I run around too much, and then my asthma will start to kick in.”

 

“I guess that just means we’ll have to think of something besides baseball to do together” Bucky smiled.

 

And for the first time in his life Steve had a friend. 

 

* * *

 

The following year they became classmates, and they quickly settled into a routine. During the school week they attended class, and at lunch each day Steve, despite his best efforts, would get into some sort of trouble, and it was always up to Bucky to rescue him.

 

Steve remembered one day in particular, when Bucky finally asked him why he couldn’t manage to stay out of trouble.

 

“Why do you let them get a reaction out of you? If they didn’t know they could get under your skin they’d stop teasing you so much.”

 

_ “I don’t like bullies”  _ Steve had explained. 

 

Bucky stared at him for a moment, taking in Steve’s answer, then turned to face his friend. “Well then I guess that just means I’ll have to be there to be your backup.”

 

Bucky kept his word, he was always there to support Steve. Bucky was always there to protect him from bullies and sometimes he was even responsible for protecting Steve from himself.

 

Right before they graduated from high school Steve’s mother had died from tuberculosis. Steve, who was trying to face the fact that his entire family was dead, had tried to put on a brave face.

 

He knew he could depend on Bucky, but he was hesitant to rely on his friend more than he already did. After years of having Bucky act as some sort of bodyguard Steve couldn’t help but feel a little self conscious of the relationship he had with Bucky.

 

Sometimes he’d watch his friend interact with other people, and he couldn’t help notice the difference in how he treated them. Young women seemed drawn to Bucky and his charismatic personality, his outgoing nature meant that Steve was often dragged along on a series of group dates each weekend. 

 

However, despite Bucky’s fondness for the attention from women, nobody seemed to stick around for long. Between all of Bucky’s suitors and friends from work it was only Steve who he wanted to keep around. 

 

Steve just worried that one day Bucky would resent him for that fact, grow tired of spending all of his time needing to take care of his friend.

 

Which is why he initially turned down the offer to live with Bucky after his mother died. As far as Steve was concerned Bucky didn’t need to spend any more time than he already did worrying about him.  _ “Thank you Buck, but I can get by on my own.” _

 

Bucky hesitated for a moment before placing a reassuring hand on Steve’s shoulder.  _ “The thing is,”  _ he said, looking at Steve directly in the eyes,  _ “you don’t have to. I’m with you ‘til the end of the line, pal.” _

 

And so it was settled. Steve moved in with Bucky, and for the next few years the two men were constantly by each other's’ side. Steve slowly began to feel like less of a burden on his friend, and instead started to focus on how he could help save the world himself.

 

That was the main reason he’d been so invested in joining the war effort. Steve knew what it was like to feel powerless, and if he had the ability to help other people the way Bucky had helped him he wanted to take it.

 

Of course, his tumultuous medical history made it impossible for him to join the army. Not that that had deterred Steve from trying to join at every opportunity. No matter how many times he was turned down, he just kept trying to go back and plead his case.

 

Bucky knew how much joining the army meant to Steve. That’s probably why he’d avoided talking about it, why Steve had only seen him in his uniform once before his friend was sent overseas to fight. 

 

But Steve couldn’t imagine any other path for Bucky, who seemed naturally inclined to doing the right thing. If he couldn’t go, Steve was glad to know that his friend would be there.

 

Even if that meant for the first time in years Bucky was going somewhere that Steve couldn’t follow him to.

 

* * *

 

Towards the back of the sketchbook Steve found the striking face of Peggy Carter staring back at him.

 

Although most of Steve’s drawings had been inspired by his life in Brooklyn, he couldn’t deny the impact Peggy had on him.

 

Dr. Erskine had been the one to fight to get Steve into Camp Lehigh, Peggy had been the person he bonded with the most during his time at camp.

 

Maybe part of the reason they’d gotten along so well was that they’d both understood what it had been like to constantly be underestimated.

 

The soldiers had constantly teased and tried to flirt with Peggy because she was the only woman at the camp, and Steve became an easy target due to his smaller stature.

 

It wasn’t until that day with the flag pole, though, that Steve felt that he’d earned Peggy’s respect.

 

Everyone else had tried to use their strength to climb up the flagpole and capture the flag. Steve knew that he would need to come up with a different strategy, even if he had been taller or stronger he saw that none of the men were capable of climbing all the way to the top of the pole.

 

That’s why, instead of failing to use brute strength to achieve his goal, Steve removed the flagpole’s structure pin, which allowed him to take the flag after the pole collapsed onto the ground.

 

Despite her best efforts she had looked impressed by Steve’s ability to think outside of the box.  After that she seemed to warm up to him significantly.

 

On the day that his procedure took place she was the one who accompanied him to the facility, and in an attempt to forget about how nervous he’d been, Steve kept pointing out all of the places in the city where he’d been beaten up as a kid.

 

_ “Did you have something against running away?”  _ she asked.

 

_ “If you start running they’ll never let you stop”  _ Steve explained.  _ “If you push back, they can’t say no forever, right?” _

 

He waited for some sort of cynical remark about how he had been naive to think that he would someday be able to find common ground with his tormentors. After all, how could Steve, who sometimes needed help just to be able to breath properly, be strong enough to convince the young men he fought with to finally leave him alone?

 

Except Peggy hadn’t started to laugh at him or look at him oddly, like he’d feared she would. Instead she had smiled at him.

 

_ “I know a little of what that’s like, to have every door shut in your face”  _ she responded.

Steve saw that she really did understand in a way that no one else ever had before. 

 

Bucky may have admired Steve’s resilience when it came to handling bullies, but at the end of the day he’d alway been there to act as back-up because he thought that’s what Steve needed. He never gave Steve the ability to fight his own battles by himself.

 

Peggy, on the other hand, knew what it was like to constantly struggle, to feel obligated to prove her worth each day.

 

Maybe that’s why they had bonded together so closely during the war. No matter how many pretty girls tried to flirt with him they wouldn’t truly know who he had been before he took the serum, how his newfound strength hadn’t had an impact on his values and what he stood for.

 

Just like most of the soldiers at  Camp Lehigh hadn’t realized that behind Peggy’s beautiful exterior was a fearless woman who seemed capable of accomplishing anything she put her mind to.

 

And Steve figured that if she believed in him then that had to be a good sign.

 

* * *

 

Instead of going overseas to fight, as Erskine had intended him to, Steve found that he had become some sort of tourist attraction. They gave him a costume, renamed him Captain America, and put him on tour.

 

Steve hadn’t wanted to seem ungrateful for the opportunity. The fact he was able to travel at all was amazing considering all of his previous health issues.

 

But he had to admit that during the tour it became tiring to play the role of Captain America all the time. No matter how much people tried to reassure him that he was making a difference, doing his part to keep the troops motivated, the endless routine of performing had started to wear him down.

 

Even punching Hitler in the face had lost its appeal at the end of the tour.

 

It wasn’t until he talked to Peggy that he realized why he was so bothered by his role as Captain America. She’d told him he was meant for more than performing in a children’s show, and she was right. He wanted to be more than just a symbol, he wanted to actually be out on the battlefield, making a difference. 

 

It was Bucky’s disappearance that made him feel certain of his decision.

 

Colonel Phillips had tried to convince him that Bucky had been killed in action, but Steve had been unwilling to believe his childhood friend was gone.

 

It was Peggy’s approval that convinced him to go rogue. On a surface level it had definitely been a dumb decision to steal a bunch of weapons and equipment from the U.S. military, but for Steve that rescue mission had given him a new purpose in life.

 

With Peggy’s help he had been able to save Bucky and several other soldiers from HYDRA’s Austrian facility. While Steve was relieved to have Bucky back, alive and safe, he couldn’t miss the look of hesitation on his friend’s face once all the chaos was over. 

 

_ “I thought you were dead”  _ Steve said, desperate to ease the tension of the situation.

 

_ “I thought you were smaller. What happened to you?”  _ Bucky asked, his easy-going tone making it clear that while this new version of Steve looked unfamiliar to him, he knew it was the same kid from Brooklyn who he’d grown up with.

 

That’s why they’d made such a great team on the battlefield. The familiarity they had with each other meant that they could almost predict one another’s movements, they would work in tandem with one another on mission after mission to try to save more soldiers from HYDRA.

 

_ “You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?”  _ Steve had asked Bucky before committing to another string of rescue missions.

 

_ “Hell, no! The little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight. I’m following him”  _ Bucky declared. And for the first time Steve realized that, even though Bucky was the golden boy, and he would never completely understood how Steve felt when he was constantly overlooked, underestimated, and picked on, his friend had believed in him no matter what.

 

Even when it meant following him on a suicide mission.

 

* * *

 

Steve wasn’t sure if Peggy and Bucky actually got along, but at the very least they spent time together for his sake.

 

He still couldn’t get over the memory of the first time they’d met. He had been at a bar with Bucky, trying to relax for the first time in months, when Peggy walked in wearing a form fitting red dress. 

 

Even when she wore her military uniform she looked gorgeous, and in that lady-like dress she managed to retain her commanding presence.

 

Bucky, who had always had a way with women, went up to ask her to dance. Instead of accepting his offer, however, she ignored Bucky and turned to Steve. She invited him to go dancing with her after the end of the war.

 

Her invitation brought him back to their conversation on the way to Erskine’s lab. He’d told her he’d never danced with a girl because he was waiting for the right partner.

 

And he’d finally found her.

 

She’d seen him as Steve Rogers before she saw him as Captain America, and she had an uncanny ability to see the best of both sides of him.

 

It had suddenly been so easy to picture a life together.

 

Maybe they would move to London, if Peggy wanted to return home.

 

But when Steve imagined their future they were in Brooklyn.

 

He could go back to art school and get a job in advertising after he graduated. Peggy would be able to continue working alongside Howard Stark if they stayed in New York.

 

Their kids could grow up next door to Uncle Bucky, who would take them to the fair at Coney Island and tell them embarrassing stories about their dad.

 

Everything Steve wanted was technically still so far away, he and Peggy hadn’t even gone on a date yet, but in that bar he decided what he wanted to do with his life.

 

They had just needed to make it through the war first.

 

* * *

 

Steve had underestimated how cruel fate could be.

 

It was supposed to be a fairly simple mission. They were trying to capture Eric Zola, one of HYDRA’s scientists. 

 

They were able to successfully sneak onto Zola’s train. The train doors were rigged to separate the different train carriages, and within seconds they were surrounded by HYDRA soldiers. Steve struggled to overpower the soldier trying to shoot him, and as soon as he was able to pry the gun out of the other man’s hands he shot at the door separating him from Bucky, giving his friend the chance to kill the remaining HYDRA soldier.

 

After that they thought they were safe. They were supposed to be.

 

But there was another soldier waiting to attack them, and even with Steve’s shield Bucky was unable to avoid the getting shot.

 

Steve had watched in horror while Bucky lost his balance and fell from the train. 

 

Bucky had managed to grab onto the side of the train, and for a couple of seconds Steve felt hopeful that he would be able to save his friend. That hope didn’t last long, however, when Steve watched the wind rip Bucky from the side of the train and down the mountain they were on.

 

Despite the fact they still managed to capture Zola, Steve couldn’t help feeling that their mission that day had still been a failure.

 

When Peggy found him later he was trying, and failing, to get drunk. He needed to forget the numbness of the cold mountain air, the sound of gunshots, the look of terror on Bucky’s face as he fell to his death. Most importantly he needed to block out the grief he felt ripping through his chest and grasping at his throat, threatening to suffocate him.

 

Peggy tried to convince him that it wasn’t his fault. Steve knew he would never be able to believe that was true.

 

He kept trying though. While there was a small part of Steve that wanted to shut down and let someone else take on the responsibility of trying to save the world, he knew that could never happen. He owed that much to Bucky.

 

So Steve continued to fight, and he almost made it to the end. He was able to stop Red Skull from harnessing the Tesseract’s power to create a weapon of mass destruction, and for a minute he thought it was finally over, that he could go home.

 

Of course that wasn’t what ended up happening.

 

The plane itself was a ticking time bomb, and with the broken controls there was only so much control Steve had over where the plane landed.

 

He’d called HYDRA Headquarters because he knew he needed to let someone know what was about to happen, and when Peggy took control of the intercom he couldn’t help feeling a little relieved that her voice would be the last thing he heard.

 

Steve explained the situation to her, and Peggy’s grim determination to find another solution broke his heart. He knew that the intelligent, stubborn, and beautiful woman he was talking to was going to go on and do amazing things with her life, but he wasn’t going to be around to see it

 

He took a deep breath to steady himself before he started to talk again.  _ “Right now I’m in the middle of nowhere. If I wait any longer a lot of people are gonna die. Peggy,”  _ he paused, _ “this is my choice.”  _ He needed her to understand that in a perfect world he wouldn’t need to make this choice, he wouldn’t have to leave her behind. But he was out of options.

 

_ “Peggy…”  _ he said, wanting to make sure she was still on the intercom, that she would be with him until the end.

 

_ “I’m here” she reassured him _ .

 

_ “I’m gonna need a rain check on that dance”  _ Steve attempted to joke, to take both their minds off of the situation at hand. So they made plans to go dancing the following Saturday, and when he finally crashed into the ice Steve couldn’t help wondering how that date would’ve gone. He hoped they would’ve had a nice time together. 

 

He was supposed to be dead after that. He thought he was. Spending decades spent trapped in ice certainly felt like death.

 

When he finally woke up he was overwhelmed by so many different emotions. Confusion, fear, anger, grief. He didn’t know how he was supposed to start living again in a world that was so different than the one he left behind.

 

Now all he had was an old sketchbook to remind him of who he was.

  
  



End file.
